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my head spins

Nov. 1st, 2010 | 06:30 pm
mood: calmcalm

in the dizzy of this place.so hectic for a stable ground.so noisy for a quiet town.city is more adequate but the rustling and bustling of the people makes the standard falls for a level below.i am waiting for my boyfriend.for him to get here,it might be hours but i have my notebook with me.so waiting means downloading a few dozen albums i swore to listen to,reblogging in tumblr if not mindlessly tuning in youtube for female fronted bands i subscribed to as a fanatic stalker.i did a caveman's mistake by not informing him that today's date was on and have him  to call me stating an hour delay.i would've been angry.like i would to any old ex.but for him,i'd bite my tongue.bit it hard until i am numb.i am not upset.i have no reason to.i love waiting.no,i am not being sarcastic.i've been waiting all my life.this activity somehow defines me and my whole mundane existence.for instant ,while my sisters were born in the eighties,i had to wait until the nineties to be released by the umbilical cords.while everyone knew exactly where to go after highschool,i had to wait a year to fiogure things out,and of course,i spent most of my youth waiting for dad in the hospital.maybe i am,and always will be,waiting,

i don't make sense.the caffein is poisoning my system.it's not a good idea to have a cup of white coffee on an empty stomach.

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the mirror deceives me.

Oct. 25th, 2010 | 04:35 pm
mood: depresseddepressed

apparently i look like i lost a tinsy bit of weight.but the scale,however,tells otherwise;a figure i'm not too fond of sharing,not even in here as an anonymous livejournal blogger.i am not paranoid,but being a plumpkin all the while i was in primary school makes weight and measurement a crucial part of my life.when asked how i managed to lose all those weights,well,one might argue, but bulimia and a bunch of recreational camps works pretty well.i either starve myself,puke the hell out or exercise until i blacked out of exhaustion.resulting in a very disturbing display of back bones and sharp edges of shoulder blades and the non-present of love handles.but a few years later,i became a thicker,not fat nor obese,but slightly unfortunately AVERAGE-er size.for some this is somewhat better,i mean think katy perry or scarlett jo but if you've been the skinniest you ever been,any weight above that is considered fat.

i might have to exercise,go through caffein and nicotine poisoning to get back to the golden days.but dear god,how i dread my ever so ugly body.

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a prayer.

Oct. 9th, 2010 | 09:23 pm
mood: happyhappy

one day your going to wake up and realize that i'm not here anymore.and you wont have to worry because you don't have to care.your going to find that i am out there,finally living my life,exactly how i wanted to.and i wouldn't regret a single thing for i am responsible for no one else but myself.one day i wont have the heart to listen to you anymore and i wont have the patience to wait or to put with all your shits.one day you wont blame me for all the terrible things that had happened to you but you'll learn the unsettling truth that you have ruined your own life all along.one day there wont be worry or anger or frustration in my mind,for it will be empty with bliss and not a care for the world,most importantly,not a care for you.


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of bozos and buffoons,

Oct. 6th, 2010 | 06:33 pm
mood: aggravatedaggravated
music: cave in-ebola

sometimes i wake up and i just hate everyone.without trying at all,without motives or real purposes,i just hate people.everyone.i haven't been much of an antisocial but i sure am discrete when it comes to my social life.some might question whether  i even have one to begin with.i do.well,sort of.i have people in my life.but they're scattered all over the place.and their names and faces change every two seconds.i hate people.i hate the way they sound.i hate the way they smell.i just hate them.


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the universe has a way with you.

Oct. 3rd, 2010 | 10:15 pm
mood: worriedworried
music: the bled-i never met another gemini

i know lately i haven't been the lover i promised you i'd be.hell,i wasn't even stable in the first place.but your rushed urgent phone call today had made me realized that i've took you and your affection for granted which i should never have at all.you coughed out blood and though your still here,that is by far the scariest news i've heard all year besides dad getting in and out of the hospital recently.i have a thing for conflict but i never imagined them to be this heart pounding.and for the first time in my life,with tears conquering the back of my lids and the air choked between my throat,i felt panic.and trust me,i haven't felt that in a long time ever since you-know-who.this is cliche but feeling as though i might lose you had made me understand how you meant to me.you meant so much that i couldn't even begin to imagined that something awful might happen to you.worse,i couldn't even imagine not having you by my side again.

those sticks of nicotine sure are deadly,not so much as the gory visuals the government had plastered all over the cigarette boxes,but really,it kills.i hope that this incident might encourage you to finally put an end to that nasty habit of yours.if not you,i know i will.

i love you.i hope you get better soon,love.

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i would never leave you

Oct. 1st, 2010 | 01:39 am
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: girl in a coma-trail

but my heart is confuse even when it's whole with you.the idea that you rooted for me first upsets me as i prefer weaving my own fate.one where i would chase after you instead.i never had this before.the whole guy trying his best to be with me thing.i do get my share of chasers but never as persistent.your confidence to want me overwhelm me while your reluctant to give up awes and amaze me. what spell have i used on you?not that i ever resorted to wicca but i fear i have no logical explanation to why you feel the way you do.do i doubt your loyalty?of course not,you've worked so hard to come this far,i know you know better than to wreck this.but do i question your motives?well honestly i do,i really do,almost everyday,though i trust you but i'm just lacking of a proper understanding of what your real intentions are.do you love me?DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME?tell me why.

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a brush of danger that was entirely due to my stupidity and my reluctant to say NO.

Sep. 30th, 2010 | 02:01 am
mood: scaredscared
music: the mars volta-copernicus

okay,never take a car ride from strangers.i mean NEVER EVER TAKE CAR RIDES FROM STRANGERS.though i managed to not get myself raped,but i did unfortunately had my fair share of "sex" talk from some ugly geezer that was old enough to be my dad,or probably older than that.fyi,when someone talks to you about sex without your consent,that is considered as a sexual offense regardless of no physical contact.

i will be cleansing myself with bleachers and antiseptic body wash as of this day and so forth, besides un-corrupting my mind by rewinding back to the golden age where i was so naive that i thought any sexual interaction was just a myth or something beyond my understanding,or an understanding i pretty much preferred.

IT IS SICK AND SAD TO KNOW THAT any glances i've collected from forty year old males are not as innocent as a father just looking at a girl that reminds him of his daughter(a silly theory i gathered from reading one too many father-daughter fictions),truth for the matter is,all they think about is sex besides sex if not sex and on top of that,SEX.

but i was stupid to even get myself tangled in such situation in the first place.if you know me at all,you know that i tend to attract creepy people(aging perverts,crazy people,stalker types) i meet at the streets,like almost on a regular basis,but i guess i should've known better than to interact with them.

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i woke up and i was thinking to myself "i'm dying"

Sep. 29th, 2010 | 12:37 am
mood: coldcold

or so i wished i was.call me ungrateful and perhaps that might go into my unending list of fucked up nicknames,including bipolar and paranoid.i don't know.maybe its the age or perhaps that's just me.i can't tell sometimes.i feel like i'm dying.everyday i see a fake version of my reality and felt extremely remorse after it.and i am unsure whether i literally am dying or that i just want to.i haven't been to a hospital all my life and i'm not sure if i'm depressed.i mean,i should be happy.i have everything i needed ,though not exactly what i wanted.maybe i need a fix of sedatives.maybe i should just get drunk and get over it.or maybe i should just get hit by a truck.fuck me.

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an afternoon with you

Sep. 22nd, 2010 | 07:38 pm
mood: happyhappy
music: yeah yeah yeahs-hysteric

your a saint.

oh and i drew an elephant on my hand:D

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my eyes,they sore from exhaustion.

Sep. 17th, 2010 | 01:44 am
mood: lovedloved
music: albert hammond jr.-scared

and a partial bit from depression.i had another breakdown last night.not uncommon when i am ill.i was crying after a gay walk down memory lane.to be specific,it was the one where my ex was involved.it had me thinking(if not mourning),if we were so perfect then why did it ended the way it did?on top of that,it had me traumatized knowing how anything that's beautiful in life is always impermanent.eerie how i could easily talked about this with my boyfriend.how often i went back and forth telling him tales about the previous ones.i love how casual my boyfriend is,but i must be careful not taking him for granted.the last thing i want to do is to hurt him.

that's the thing about my boyfriend,he has this special vibe that orders me to be a better person.though i feel the necessity,i don't mean that i was being forced.i naturally am trying to please this guy even if he told me not to,because for one,i love him and second,i really do appreciate him being in my life.i love how he is literally my everything.boyfriend,bestfriend,brother,anime buddy,gigolo;all molded into one.

anyway,i told him the exact detail of my breakdown and he soothed me through the phone.i don't know how exactly but he did what he did and i felt better again.though i was still down with my sickness.he told me all the wonderful things i needed to know.

maybe i should finally thank my lucky stars.or maybe it's too soon that i do.either way,i am certainly not entirely sure.i have this constant fear of rejection and destruction.and i also have this strange discomfort from stability and concrete-ness.i have this fucked up idea that settling down means giving up to be part of the conformity and die typical.since i have this plasticine-like personality that's easily molded into every new influences she can gather,i am terribly afraid that i might lose myself again.but i guess i have to not overthink this.i need to not give a shit and just be happy.


oh,and thank goodness my jukebox is in fact at my boyfriend's place,yeayyys.

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